Introduction
There was a time when my emotions were like a wild storm – unpredictable and often destructive. I had a very hard time managing my emotions and would often go zero to one hundred. I hated it. It was such a stressful way to live and also extremely draining. I tried for many years to handle this on my own. I’d have an outburst, promise myself and others it wouldn’t happen again, but that never lasted. It was because I had no clue how to manage my emotions. But with the birth of my child, I made a promise to myself: I would manage my anger better. This marked the beginning of a transformative journey towards self-improvement and mindfulness.
My Anger Management Journey
My journey wasn’t easy, but it was certainly enlightening. I embarked on a path of self-discovery, diving deep into emotional intelligence and mindfulness. I spent countless hours researching, meditating, and attending therapy sessions. The more I learned the more I realized all paths led to psychology, neuroscience, and mindset. It was here, I understood how constant yelling could cause trauma to a child’s brain.
When yelling becomes a regular method of communication it can trigger what’s called a fight or flight response releasing stress hormones like cortisol. Chronic exposure to these hormones can interfere with a child’s brain development, impair their memory, and even lead to issues with self-esteem and mental health as an adult. This is why it’s so vitally important that we as parents learn how to manage our emotions. One of my favorite anger management tools I learned in therapy is the R.E.S.T. Model:
- Relax: Pause, take a deep breath, ground yourself with a breathing exercise, or use positive visualization. This helps your brain release calming chemicals.
- Evaluate: Once calm, analyze the situation. What are the facts? Observe what’s happening physically, emotionally, and mentally.
- Set Intention: Make a plan. Do you need to self-soothe, or do you need to initiate more advanced problem-solving skills?
- Take Action: Proceed with your plan mindfully.
This is the best tool for me to use in the heat of anger. However, I can’t speak enough on how daily meditation has absolutely transformed me.
The Power of Meditation
I meditate twice a day, 30-60 minutes each session. Once, soon as I wake up and then again right before bed. I can (and will) write a whole blog on the benefits of this alone. But in regard to managing anger and emotions, I am 1,000X calmer, more patient, empathetic, and at peace. It actually still blows my mind to this day how far I’ve come. Even when I vowed to get my anger under control, admittingly I never thought I would be where I am now. If I could wave a magic wand and force everyone in the world to do 2 things, it would be to go to therapy and to meditate. There’s a saying, “Everyone should meditate for 20 minutes a day, unless you’re really busy, THEN YOU SHOULD MEDITATE FOR AN HOUR!
Understanding Ego and Parental Control
Nothing will test you more than when your kids don’t listen. In the beginning I would lose my sh*t if it SEEMED like my child wasn’t listening to me. I have to emphasize this because no matter how smart or advanced your toddler is, it is not intentional when they don’t listen. Even when I thought I had my anger under control, this would drive me nuts. I learned this was my ego begging for control. My ego needed the respect of “Hey, I’m the boss, what I say goes, you have to listen to me”, blah blah blah. No matter how mature or advanced your child is, don’t have the expectation for them to listen to you 24/7 and more importantly, don’t take it personal when they don’t! If you feel like you are taking it personally, that’s your ego, don’t be afraid to check it. I call my ego out all the time.
Seven Strategies to Avoid Yelling at Your Child
- Empathize: Try to understand why they’re acting this way from their perspective. They may be upset, tired, uncomfortable or they might not understand why what they are doing is wrong.
- Give clear instructions: Instead of saying something like “Stop doing that”, tell them what you’d like them to do instead. For example, “please put that toy back on the shelf”.
- Set clear boundaries: It’s important for children to know what is acceptable and what is not set these boundaries and enforce them consistently.
- Use I statements: Instead of blaming them with you statements say something like, “I feel upset when I see the toys scattered all over the floor because someone could trip on them and get hurt.”
- Positive reinforcement: Instead of focusing on the negative, reinforce the good behavior when it occurs. This can help them understand which behavior is desired.
- Redirect their behavior: If they’re doing something that’s inappropriate try redirecting them towards something that’s more constructive.
- Use visual or physical cues: A gentle touch on the arm or a visual signal like a stop hand can also help get their attention without shouting.
Conclusion
With all of that being said, no one is perfect. It’s damn near impossible to never yell at your kids. I have 3 boys, each about 19 months apart from each other, of course I yell. However, as I stated earlier it should not be the regular method of communication. And here is the MOST IMPORTANT part. When we do yell it’s CRUCIAL that we reengage them afterward. We must apologize and explain our feelings to them so an example would be “Hey bud I’m sorry for yelling at you before. Daddy was having big emotions. I should have taken a deep breath instead.” This shows them that not only is it normal to have these intense emotions but also how to manage them effectively. By admitting our mistakes we teach our children humility, honesty, and the importance of apologizing.
If you find yourself yelling more often than you’d like it’s OK to seek out professional help to learn how to manage your emotions. This isn’t a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of strength! My life has been way easier and way more enjoyable as a result. Remember it’s OK to feel angry but it’s important that we express our feelings in a way that models emotional intelligence for our children. Because our actions not only shape their present, but also their future as an adult. So let’s fill it with confidence, self-worth, and love. Let their inner champ shine!